I was never a good listener. Without Jesus’ help, I would still be a poor listener.

Was Jesus a good listener? Let’s look at a passage from the Gospel of John.

“So when Mary came to the place where Jesus was, she saw Him and fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” Therefore when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and He said, “Where have you laid him?” They *said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept (John 11:32-35)

Jesus had come four days after Lazarus, His friend, and the brother of Mary and Martha had died. When Martha heard He had arrived she came out to meet Him. Her first words were, “Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Jesus did not explain His reasons for being late. Soon Mary also came to Him and we see the above exchange. Note that Jesus again did not explain. Jesus loved.

What we will be talking about in this article is listening, but also, in an indirect way it is about real leadership and God’s kind of love. It is also about Christian character. 

Listening as a Road to Seeing Ourselves

Sometimes it’s important to sit back and be silent; to hear someone else’s pain and let them speak. This is not always easy, especially if their pain is about our having failed or disappointed them in some way .

Such a situation can stir up anxious feelings in us, and often we are not even consciously aware of these feelings. These kinds of feelings can activate a need in us to explain so that the other does not see us in a negative light. Or, perhaps so we do not have to see ourselves in that light.

Even though it may not occur to us in the moment, situations like this can be an opportunity of sorts. It is a prime opportunity to learn about ourselves and open our lives to Christ at a deeper level. In other words, it is potentially a blessing in disguise.

Learning to slow things down a bit by not acting on our feelings can avail us of that opportunity. The potential arises for us to tune in to what is going on in us. If we do, we might just learn some very important things about ourselves.

To choose not to speak automatically is not an end in itself, but is significantly increasing our chances of breaking new ground; in ourselves or in regard to another. In a sense, it is an implicit admission of our need for God’s light and help. His light can help us to reflect on what we are feeling and can help us get to what is really going on.

I think we inadvertently and unnecessarily miss so much. In some instances, it will be after the conversation that the light will go on for us, but in either case, we have opened the door for Him to intervene in us.

This kind of calling on God must be done with faith that He is hearing us. As James instructs us, “but let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord;  he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” (James 1:5-8, ESV).

As a side note, we must understand that for this kind faith relationship with Christ to be actualized in a life, a person must have entered into Christ’s rest to such an extent that they are no longer living for or from themselves, but for and from the Spirit of God. This faith relationship with Christ is the subject of many other articles on this site, so I will not expand further here. Perhaps a good article to begin this understanding would be here.

God’s Love Builds Trust

Of course, we understand that in our interaction with others, there is a time to speak and a time to listen. Learning to be slow to speak, quick to listen, can be the beginning of building trust. To hear the other and also to hear the Father’s speaking.

The natural self often tends to wants to defend itself and explain itself – to be understood and to avoid criticism. Jesus, however, loves first. He is there for the other. He doesn’t need to win, be right nor honored by the other.

He loves each of us right where we are. He gives us time and room to be wherever we are right now so that we can come to grips with our own reality. The more we learn to let Him speak directly to us – just like He did to Mary and Martha, the Apostles and many other disciples, the more we will be transformed into His likeness.

Such an abiding life which lives from the food that He provides, will grow to understand His love and will love accordingly. He is light, and in Him, there “is no darkness at all.” (1 John 1:5)

We cannot give others this kind of love unless we have first learned to receive it in ourselves. Further, this receiving cannot occur until we are actively conscious of our brokenness before God. This can often be a difficult and painful journey.

Pain, Suffering and Love

When another criticizes us, it hurts. But the pain of the criticism opens a door for us to understand our own need for help, cleansing and transformation.

Of course, we do not love the pain, but we can learn to be welcoming of it, realizing its promise for us. Its emergence from within us is essential for our liberation from its power over us. If it remains in the dark, it lives and can reign. We must learn to admit and talk with our kind Shepherd about the darkness behind the pain. The Shepherd invites us to come and rest in Him.

Paul suffered many things in His following of Christ.

“Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I have spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleepless nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. Apart from such external things, there is the daily pressure on me of concern for all the churches. Who is weak without my being weak? Who is led into sin without my intense concern? If I have to boast, I will boast of what pertains to my weakness. The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, He who is blessed forever, knows that I am not lying. In Damascus the ethnarch under Aretas the king was guarding the city of the Damascenes in order to seize me, and I was let down in a basket through a window in the wall, and so escaped his hands.” (2 Corinthians 11:24-33).

Oh, yes, Paul suffered; but Paul did not suffer according to his human capacity, it was the power of Christ manifest in Him that made that suffering effective for the kingdom of God. He was able to rejoice in all circumstances. (Philippians 4:11-13).

The Compulsion to Explain

It is helpful if we come to understand that the compulsion to explain, is about us. The Holy Spirit is never driven by compulsion. He only does what the Father is doing. He always seeks the welfare of the other.

The uncomfortable truth is that we feel compelled to explain because our wants are yet alive in us. This is the true nature of the pain that compels us; it is not His love. If we obey our pain, we have chosen the darkness and have broken fellowship with Christ. In Him is light and no darkness at all.

Our children are yet young. We may speak to them of our years of experience, but if our wants still rule us, we are not His representatives but our own.

When the darkness in us is exposed in His light, that light is cleansing us from it and its power over us. (1 John 1:5-7). The old self – belongs to the world, and the devil rules the world. It is contrary to Christ. He will not participate with us in it. When we operate from ourselves, we are on our own; Christ will be of no help to us.

Are we able to be redemptive to the other on our own? Can we create the kingdom of God in ourselves or another? When dealing with family and loved ones, the self is particularly evident because we have such attachments to them.

On an emotional (i.e., attachment) level, it may seem counter-intuitive that this connection is God’s enemy; we may feel ourselves to be seeking the other’s welfare. After all, the intensity of our feelings comes from the depth of our emotional investment in the other person. Yet, Jesus provides us with some very counter-intuitive truths about these attachments. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” (Luke 14-26). These attachments are presented here as obstacles to fulfilling His will.

Thus, if we are operating from ourselves, we cannot advance the other person’s welfare. We are left powerless—our minds are set on man’s interests, not God’s. Peter was well-intended when he attempted to dissuade Jesus from the cross. Why would Peter want to see such an awful thing happen to his beloved friend and teacher? Yet Jesus rebuked him. No one can work the works of God by human motives. It is received in our brokenness. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

The Remedy

The remedy, then, is this:

Exposure of our darkness – the self that secretly motivates us all apart from the Holy Spirit’s active intervention, exposing and sanctifying us so we can contain Him. If we seek to justify ourselves, we are hiding and remain in the darkness. When facing our fear, failure, or shame, we will wish to run from it. Why? Because the self is our God (in our default mode). It is in control. It lies, hides, and denies.

I have worked with so many individuals over the years in clinical work and in anger management groups. Again and again, I have observed those that face their own depravity and reach for the light and those that have fled from it. It seems a universal truth that the ones that come to the light find comfort, cleansing and change. Conversely,  those that flee continue to see their problem as outside of themselves and thus are not in a position to grow personally. This is particularly so for believers. We have a God whose light and truth is transformational.

In the light, the truth; about us emerges. It may be difficult to hear. The truth about us all is that we are thieves and robbers, everyone. Many Christians prefer to see themselves in a positive light; it makes them feel good about themselves. Jesus’ metaphor to the Pharisees as those that “clean the outside of the cup but inside are “full of robbery and wickedness.” (Luke 11:39).

Biblically, the only perspective that transforms and liberates is the revealing of our (natural) wickedness so we might be cleansed in light of grace. Some argue that God sees them in a positive light and they thereby comfort themselves or even approve themselves. This is folly. The only way a person is truly approved is by faith through grace alone.

Man’s thus finds true righteousness by Christ Himself being manifest in them. This kind of (gift of) righteousness removes the need for self-justification.

He is the Good Shepherd. He lays His life down for the sheep. They hear His voice, and they follow Him. In other words, we really have no ground for boasting, just rejoicing in our gracious redeemer.

But what if we are wrongly accused? Do we not have a right to correct the misunderstanding and to make our case. Of course, there is a time for this as well. The truth is, however, most of us just speak too soon. We are quick to defend ourselves or perhaps to feel victimized and wronged.

Practical Terms

In practical terms then, when accused we must allow our pain to reveal our own wants which are behind our wish to defend. As we begin to rest (only) in Christ’s death we learn to wait for His voice to cleanse us of our own agenda so that we can be filled with Christ. Only then can we operate from Christ. We must die, so that we may live from His love.

Does this mean we never confront, never call others to account? Certainly not. We are, instead, talking here of the motives, the source of our words. The word of God is not mere facts; as Jesus says, “these words of mine are spirit and are life.” (John 6:63).

However, we must ask ourselves if we are responding from our own anxiety, frustration, or emotion or whether from the perfect love of God.

Such wise words we were given by our brother James, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (Jas. 1:19). Also Paul exhorts us to, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29, my italics).

We always welcome the other person’s experience if we abide in Him, even if it is not flattering. This is because it is no longer about us. When we truly walk in the light, it is about them and God’s love for them.

Thus none of us ever has an excuse. Just a yes, I will pray and consider these things. And I love you. After all, which do you think a hurting person needs more, our excuses or our love?

Much More Than a Listener

But was Jesus’ response to others only about listening?

It can be comforting to have someone genuinely listen. It does not, however, redeem or profoundly transform our lives.

To those in pain, Jesus was more than just a patient listener. Jesus spoke from the Father. He spoke words that transform; and He spoke with loving and righteous authority. Jesus never spoke from Himself, like we do. He said, “He who speaks from himself seeks his own glory; but He who is seeking the glory of the One who sent Him, He is true, and there is no unrighteousness in Him. (John 7:18, NASB1995).

Jesus’ words were perfect love incarnate. His words were not mere quotations from Scripture, but were “Spirit and life.” He spoke to the secrets of men’s hearts. His words were profoundly redemptive in the lives of others – God speaking directly to man. Is such speaking possible for believers? Jesus said, “My sheep hear My voice. I call them by name and they follow Me.” (John 14:12). Thus it is more than possible. Indeed. He is presenting us with a lavish invitation.

But, who can qualify for such an honor as to speak as He spoke? You, dear friend, and all who will “sell all” and follow Him. Unfortunately, there are not many takers. We unnecessarily settle for so much less than He wants to feely give to us.

Indeed, He is offering it, but only to those that accept His (grace-based) terms. sThat means to believe only in His death and not any longer in ourselves. We must be living from from Him and not from ourselves, for ourselves, nor from our own authority. By “grace-based,” I mean that we cannot earn it or work for it. He will grant it as a gift to those that persist in hope in the message of the cross. Let’s look at a few Scriptural examples.

James tells us, “For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well.” (James 3:2). Is this not what Paul is referring to when He says, “I am crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live?”

Paul also makes this interesting statement, “Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you; however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained. (Philippians 3:15-16).

Consider also Paul’s words, “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10).

We can see here that this is not an unattainable goal, but a realistic goal that is encouraged for the believer.

Conclusion

If we confess that (old) self is behind our pain, He can cleanse us.  Only then can we speak with His voice. He alone is the author of His voice, the voice of His love. Being a sharer in that love is the definition of blessing. It is pure joy.

In sum, we see that there can be no cleansing without exposure.

We cannot be cleaned of what we do not acknowledge.

He is not in our darkness. “He who does not gather with Me scatters.” “If we walk in the light, as He, himself, is in the light, then we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of His Son is cleansing us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7).