For most, maybe all Christians  – and for that matter, all human beings – human suffering is perhaps the most problematic aspect of life. Yet, God, in His Son’s redemption, can transform loss and suffering into a magnificent gift that transcends our natural experiences.

Is Trying to Live the Christian Life Impossible?

For so many decades, I wrestled with God, resisting what seemed to be a relentless imposition of hardship on my life. Though I was desperate to unlock God’s promises in my life, I felt stymied to accept what I thought were His terms. Among those “terms” seemed to be a yoke of the suffering that often accompanied my attempts to follow Him.

As a Christian psychotherapist practicing for over 30 years, I have worked with many Christians seeking help with life’s hardships. I have heard some complain that things seemed to become even more difficult when they tried to stand with Jesus.

Initially, this was frustrating to hear. It often seemed like this experience was usually voiced by those who needed help the most and already struggled with their faith. This, as I said, was also congruent with my own experience. Why would this happen? I will answer that question in Part II, but first, I’d like to give you some context and foundation for my answer.

A Long Hard Road

To begin with, I was a deeply wounded soul. Growing up in a highly conflicted, toxic family environment, I developed all kinds of personal insecurities. I found Christ in my senior year of high school, right in the middle of the emergence of the counter-culture movement of the ’60s. I was chronically anxious, angry and had internalized the (more or less) narcissistic traits of my parents. Moreover, I failed to develop a stable self-identity and looked to others to validate and sustain my fragile ego.

I was something of a juvenile delinquent and used the music scene (I was in a Blues Band by age 16) and drugs, along with other escapist behaviors, to avoid the pain that raged inside. Of course, this only served to make matters worse for me. Some drugs opened doors that only heightened my awareness of my inner chaos and distress. Furthermore, the drug use tore at the structure of values that held my behavior in check.

Psychology and Psychotherapy

Nevertheless, I did my best to navigate life within the secular and Christian social contexts. Due to my weak personal defenses and underlying insecurity, I was often and easily hurt by others. Since I desperately needed help, I sought help from pastors and professional counselors but found little relief.

Over the years of my early adulthood, I sought out secular therapists and books, becoming obsessed with the latter, hoping they would provide me with solutions to my troubles. My experience with secular psychotherapists was profoundly disappointing. I expected so much, having read many of the original texts of the authors of the schools of modern psychology. In practical application, at least in my case, they seemed powerless to help. It mostly seemed that they pitied me and the mess I was in. I remember a psychologist who worked at the VA, that taught us Introduction to Psychology. He once admitted that his common thought toward his clients was that he was glad he was not them.

Some Hope?

Even though filled with self-doubt and weak in faith, I continued to pursue God. It surprised me that Christ responded and began to show me He was real. God started to use the Scriptures to speak to me daily. He was revealing Himself to me in a deeply personal way, helping me to have a new perspective on everything happening in my life. It was like having a living book to read from, and I guess that’s just what it was! The phenomenal consistency and accuracy of this process overwhelmed both my chronic doubts about the existence of God. In addition, it also challenged my deep conviction that nothing really good would ever work out for me. This was unexpected and often led to tears from a deep comfort for my tortured soul.

Nevertheless, as life went on, the necessity of moving on with my life and career imposed competing concerns, and I lost some focus on Christ.  Even more significant was that my own inner darkness was distorting my perceptions of God, so my ideas of the process of spiritual growth were unhealthy. Sadly, however, I was also being reinforced in these ideas by many of the messages I heard from Evangelical teachers and books.

An Unhappy Christian

Eventually my concept of God began to revert to become little more than a projection of my fears and internalized expectations from an angry, demanding Father and a needy, manipulative mother. With guidance from church leaders and books, I tried to be a good Christian as instructed. Unfortunately, the harder I tried to get God on board, the worse my life seemed to become. This was surprising because I was a person who tried very hard to follow Christ and understand and apply Christian teachings.

This resulted in my becoming a frustrated, angry Christian. I blamed God, myself, and my troubled childhood for my troubles. This approach brought my conscience and soul no rest. I sought escape from my misery by hiding in self-indulgent behaviors. These behaviors led to my developing various addictions, including sexual addiction. Unsurprisingly, this made things even worse. I came up with multiple excuses to justify these indulgent and escapist actions.

A Downward Spiral

In time, my life spiraled into a nightmarish experience of stress, anxiety, anger, and depression. I had also developed a terrible porn addiction, which added to my shame and self-loathing. Grasping for help and receiving suggestions from pastoral sermons and advice, I diligently applied the advice given. Unfortunately, it did nothing to free me from my bondage. I concluded that I needed stronger medicine, so I sought Christian counseling, sex-addiction recovery groups, and read Christian self-help books voraciously. The results were not impressive. My condition was worsening, and no one seemed to be able to help or even understand.

The more I failed, the angrier and angrier I became, with God and myself. I just wanted to die. My pain was just too great to care about heaven. I just wanted out.  However, killing myself was really unthinkable because of all those that would be harmed (and perhaps, also, from a fear of God). So, my solution was to pray nightly for God to end my life. I asked Him to make it as if I never existed – no heaven and no hell. Obviously, He didn’t answer that request, even though He heard it literally thousands of times—an amazingly patient and merciful Father.

“Christian” Suffering?

Still, I felt alone and abandoned in the darkness. Why would God leave me to this hell on earth? I would lash out in rage, even cursing God in heaven. Usually, after I spent my wrath, a “terrifying expectation of judgment” would come over me from fear of His wrath in response. Nevertheless, I would return to seek Him again and again. His words to me had been so hope-inspiring. He was the only one who seemed to offer a viable way out for my deeply troubled soul.

Greatly admiring those who endured much suffering for God, I, too, wanted to live a great Christian life like the saints of old. However, the kind of suffering they endured was noble, admirable, and honorable. They were often tortured and gave up so much for God in quiet faith. Such a life was far beyond me. I mean, really, I was not even able to deal with everyday life, much less persecution and even torture. Even trying to think of my internal suffering as suffering for Christ, brought me little comfort. There was no faith nor peace in it, but only fear shame, and a feeling of victimization resulting in anger at God. It was a lonely, empty, and very dark place of suffering in which I dwelt. I seemed to fail every test. It felt distinctly purposeless and terribly futile.

“Christian” Solutions

As I continued to turn toward God, I sought out Christian books, radio and church sermons, and, eventually, various Christian counselors. I even ultimately enrolled in a Christian MFT Master’s program. This path, surprisingly, was uniquely confirmed by God to me. I was, therefore, sure that this was the road He wanted me to travel. Though my confidence was extremely low regarding my capacity to complete graduate school, and though chronically anxiety-ridden, when things got tough, I had His reassurance.

Eventually, I graduated, completed my internship and became licensed as an MFT. Several years later, I was married and also graduated from a secular Doctoral program in Counseling Psychology. I loved the subject and read constantly, reading everything from the foundational theories and practices to the latest “breakthroughs” and trends in the field of marriage and individual psychotherapy. I consumed every book, and attended every training I could. This was all done in the hope of discovering answers for myself and now also for my clients.

Yet, in all of this, I was again, sorely disappointed. Though the promises made by the authors of the treatment theories offered glowing reports of the effectiveness of their methodologies, I went through approach after approach, marveling. Nothing was ever really profoundly life-changing for me or my clients. I was still just as troubled as ever. My clients kept on coming but they never seemed to make significant changes or overcome. I was sad. Life just seemed to be so far below what I had expected.

One thing I did learn was to better hide my internal plague. In fact, I was hiding behind the shield of my professional position. This was a far cry from the authentic change I had hoped for. I felt alone, inadequate, and really could not seem to find anyone who I felt really loved me as I was. I certainly didn’t!

Hope in the Darkness

Yet, there remained a  redeeming element in my otherwise failing life, which now came to include kids. That element was my connection with God’s speaking, His words to me. I continued going to the Scriptures for comfort, hope and to hear His voice. I concluded that if there was going to be an answer, it was going to have to come from Him, who loved me. Though it was still generally tough for me to trust God situationally, yet, when I heard His words to me, it gave me this inexplicable hope. What other source of real hope did I have anyway?

So I turned more and more to hear His voice, feeding on His words to me in the Scriptures. He spoke of marvelous things to my soul. He also continually seemed to bring about “coincidence”after coincidence, which were like little daily miracles that reassured me He was still there. I realized His words were either completely true or they were lies. Of course, I had no other viable option than to continue believing and receiving His words to me. As a result, I continued to let His words speak hope into my hopelessness, light into my darkness.

Seeking the Truth

When I went to God, I did not try to cherry pick verses. I trusted God to speak, regardless of what He had to say to me. Initially, I often didn’t  like what He had to say. At first, I mostly heard about His righteous judgments, although His words somehow left me hopeful. I had this strange sense that His words to me would either save me fail me altogether. Over time, I began to comprehend more of His plan, perspective, wisdom, and righteousness, but also His grace and the love that was behind it all.

I knew that if what He said was realized in my life, it would be a truly remarkable life. His words grew to be a kind of quiet thundering to my soul. I had never heard words like His words. There are no words like His. He is unique among all religious voices in history. This becomes all the more evident as one takes the time to listen and understand what He is really saying.

Discovering The True Message of Christ

Eventually, I came to know a God very different from the one I projected from my twisted mind. I began to comprehend His phenomenal graciousness toward the one willing to acknowledge his own lack, deficiencies, and the dark truth about our souls. I came to realize that His grace and mercy is generously bestowed upon anyone who places their hope in Him. Beyond this, He offers a mysterious and fantastic remedy to all life’s ills: believing in Christ as crucified for us.

Over the years, as I continued to listen to His voice, He took me to a much deeper understanding of grace and the cross. This was an understanding of the profound implications of Jesus’ death. Jesus states, “If you continue in my word, then you are truly My disciples; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31b, NASB1995). I have come to understand that His idea of freedom is related to the capacity to overcome virtually anything that the soul might face in this life.

That may seem hard to believe, but the more one comes to regularly experience real fellowship with Christ, the more evident this becomes. I say this because the contrast to my previous 40 years of being a deeply committed Christian was remarkable.

I realized that the “message” of the New Testament, though not widely comprehended, can create something unfathomably amazing in a person’s life. It does literally become “exceeding abundantly above, all that we could ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20). That simple concept that is not widely comprehended is this: accepting and receiving Christ’s death as payment for our sins daily fully qualifies anyone to inherit Christ’s perfect life daily.

Radical Changes: The Impossible Becoming Normal

This understanding radically altered my thinking about who He was and what He wanted for my life. Beyond this, it spoke of a solution that did not require me to be able to conform to His expectations by my own power. This was an enormous relief to me.

Initially, it allowed me to have permission just to relax and be myself. As I continued to listen to His voice, however, I began to realize that it was much more than that. It was like God had lifted me up to see the other side of the mountain, to look into the mysteries of God’s love and the almost unbelievably rich implications of Christ’s death and resurrection.

I began to understand that Christ’s death, alone, qualified me not only for heaven, but for the gift of overcoming every opposition to my Christian life and walk. It meant that the mere determination on my part to place all my hope in the sufficiency of His death, I qualified me to inherit Christ’s salvation daily. It opens the door for Christ to establish His kingdom in my life right in the face of all my terrible inner darkness. I was taken aback by its efficacy and His power to overcome my deepest fears, compulsions, shame, and anger.

An Amazing Life Arises

I learned to rest in Him and cease from trying to “fix” myself (Hebrews 4:1f). What most amazed me, however, was that there seemed to be no problem of my soul that was a match for His love and power to save. This was incomprehensibly contrary to my expectations. I was a man of such little faith, filled with negative expectations and doubt. As a result of a life that seemed to be defined by failure, I had become the consummate pessimist! It took so little for me to fall into immediate demoralization and hopelessness. Even so, as I hoped in Him, in hope against hope, even that despair was overcome by His flawless faithfulness to bring a surprising daily victory!

Moreover, I was discovering that the acceptance of the message of His death daily, also enabled me to be cleansed of self-interested motives. This is truly impossible. I had been a profoundly selfish person all my life, although I had little awareness of that. But I knew that I had lots of my own narcissism that drove my life, and it was refractory. All my efforts to truly love and place others before myself were just a bridge too far for me.

Furthermore, He helped me understand that (only) through this continual cleansing that Christ, Himself can actually dwell in, fill and motivate body and soul. This goes way beyond the natural expectations. Having Him share the (inner) house, is a dramatically life-altering experience. Imagine having Jesus show up in all His righteous nature and manifest that nature in your body. It is almost like science fiction – but it is neither science, nor fiction!

A Different Message

This was not, however, the message I was hearing in Evangelical Christianity. Even though lip service was given to this idea in the Evangelical churches, the message that was taught was that you must be disciplined, psychologically healthy, strong-willed, or have some natural personal talent to do great things for God.

In other words, to live an effective Christian life of significance depended on some intrinsic natural quality one must have, and I didn’t seem to have it. I was such a hopeless psychological mess that I had no hope of escaping my profound personal limitations.

Answers that Men Can Never Provide

Nevertheless, as I continued to abide in His “word,” He began to set me free from things I never thought possible! This included psychological torments and fears, sexual addictions, anger, and from my slavery to self. For perhaps the first time in 45 years as a Christian, I also had an experience of having a clean conscience (Hebrews 9:14. 10:22-23). This was all so far beyond what I had come to expect: me trying to change my external behavior and always seeming to fail miserably at it.

Moreover, I was becoming increasingly aware of God’s abiding love for me and was experiencing an ever-greater sense of connection with Him. This was because, by His power, I was no longer doing my own will but His. I was beginning to live in Christ, and the effects were marvelous. I had this surprising assurance of faith, and confidence in His approval and favor that I had never had before.

This was very different from me trying to convince myself that I was ok with God and remind myself that I was under grace. The reality of Christ’s own life and death were now imposing a different reality on me experientially. This was Christ being manifest in my body and soul (2 Corinthians 4:10-12). This was not a merely a natural psychological experience but a supernatural reality that was unmistakable.

What I began to experience was that all those verses that I had read that described God’s expectations of us, was describing what was emerging inside me.

A Different Kind of Life

Most Christians seem to believe that it is enough that we do good things as a natural human response to God’s kindness to us. Even though it is true that God is kind, gentle, and humble, I believe the message of the cross – that is to say, the New Testament message of the “Gospel” goes far beyond that. The implications of the New Testament message is this: through believing in and learning to remain in Christ’s death for all things, He will put to death to our (old) self, day by day, and bring forth His resurrection life in us. This is the “indeed” liberation to which Jesus refers in John 8:36.  It is something I had never known in 40 years of “trying” to follow Christ.

Let me be clear; this is not learning to behave better over time by listening to (enough) sermons. I was not now changing because my mind was being persuaded by good reasons to alter my ways. Instead, this putting to death of the (old, natural) self is something of purely supernatural origin by the Holy Spirit. A daily and tangible awareness of liberation from the rule of my wants was arising in me.

The Obedience of Faith

This experience comes only on the basis of hearing, accepting, and relying solely upon His message of the cross for daily salvation. It results from learning to rest in the utter sufficiency of Christ’s death –  the Father’s offering for us – for each circumstance we face. Since that message becomes our complete and only confidence and hope, we are abandoning all confidence in ourselves.

So then, the implications and outworking of this process are, that we are constantly experiencing the loss of our natural wants. Yet, as this is happening, we are simultaneously experiencing the power of His resurrection, break the power of this loss over us and filling us with Christ’s motives. This is what Paul is describing when he says, “For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh” (2 Corinthians 4:11).

The Lives of the Apostles

The life of Paul and the other Apostles is also observable evidence of this supernatural power that comes only through the operation of the cross. Contrary to popular belief, it is the only thing that made them able to be the extraordinary persons that they were.

For example, this is reflected in many of Paul’s statements. Proclamations such as, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) and “The kingdom of God is… righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:7). This is not mere hyperbole, but a description of the amazing life of Christ that they were experiencing daily. It is awesome, indeed.

Also consider these verses, …”much more those who receive the abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ,” (Romans 5:17b) and “and through Him everyone who believes is freed from all things, from which you could not be freed through the Law of Moses” (Acts 13:39). There was nothing intrinsically great about Paul, it was Christ’s death that made him able to live the extraordinary life he lived.

An Almost Absurd Standard of Righteousness

Indeed, this revelation of the cross is behind the almost absurd standard of righteousness set by the New Testament writers. Along with that standard, however, comes the constant message of God’s sufficiency through what Christ has done. “I am crucified with Christ, and so it is no longer I who live, but Christ in me.” Also, consider this verse, “Not that we are adequate as anything coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” This message is everywhere within the New Testament, and confirmed by all writers. (See, for example, James 1:17-18,21; 1 Peter 1:21-25, 2:2; 1 John 2:24).

In other words, the effect of this incorruptible and eternal life on the believer is that it changes the lives of ordinary men into something incomprehensibly greater. This power raises us up daily, regardless of what we face. Continuing in this transforming relationship with Him, we grow more and more to be defined by who He is. Just as He loves with perfect love and lays His life down for the world, so also do we when we truly abide “in Christ.” It produces an incorruptible righteousness and righteous character that can only be created by a holy and Almighty God.

Qualifying the Unqualified

I began to realize that his salvation and overcoming life isn’t only for those that had sufficient discipline, self-control, mental health, self-confidence, ego strength, a healthy childhood, a strong personality, or capacity to maintain patterns of proper behavior. It was for the poor, the broken-hearted, the downtrodden, and the hopeless. His power is just as mighty for the failure or loser in life, and those who just can’t make life work. Also, it is for the lame, the weak, the blind, and the walking dead. Oh, the unfathomable riches of His grace toward us who believe! (Ephesians3:16-21)

In other words, I qualified! So do you. You also will be filled up to all the fullness of Christ,  as you learn to truly abide in Him!

His message to me, to us all, is that He had won a magnificent salvation for us that applied not only for access to heaven but also for reigning in this life. It applies to anyone who would believe and rely upon His message of the cross and receive His words daily.