God’s Paradoxical Way to Winning in Marriage

Building the Truly Successful Marriage, God’s Way

Everyone who marries, marries with the hope of having a wonderful marriage. No one marries wanting to fail, especially Christians. Why then do so many Christian marriages fail to fulfill their promise? The simple answer is that we try to do marriage according to our own internal blueprint for success. The truly successful marriages, however, become successful because they were built God’s way.

God was the designer of marriage. It follows that His solutions to overcoming our marital challenges are also the only answers perfectly designed for success. I believe most Christians are tragically missing out on the vast potential and blessing that God has ordained for marriage. Its significance is lost in our faulty and distorted modern perspective on the meaning and purpose of marriage.

After the first few years, many marriages fall into mediocrity (or much worse) that is wholly outside God’s plan. Even though this is undoubtedly the common reality, it is entirely unnecessary. What’s more, contrary to what we might naturally conclude, marital success is vastly less dependent on the initial cooperation of one’s partner than most Christians would expect. 

In this article, I will identify the faulty belief systems that maintain believers in this compromised situation and begin to open the door to an understanding of an emphatically better foundation that offers new horizons for all. I hope that by the end of the reading of this paper, the reader will have a basic comprehension of an alternative approach to understanding marriage that, though virtually unknown, has unlimited potential.

Hopes and Expectations

Christian marriages fail at an alarming rate. Relationships that began with hope and so much promise are teetering on divorce with all the destructive effects on all involved. There is no good divorce. They will always take their toll on everyone and become a false testimony against God’s faithfulness, redemptive love, and power. The most tragic part is that it is almost always unnecessary.

Most Christians enter marriage because they imagine it as a source or means to their happiness in life. More specifically, it may be the thrill of romance being extended or the plans for children and family life together. It could also be a hoped-for acceptable outlet for the expression of sexual intimacy. Other reasons include financial security, a kind of security against facing life on one’s own, and many more.

Love and marriage. Who hasn’t wished for this, at least at some time in their lives? We imagine it to have magical powers to bring fulfillment to our lives. Some philosophers and psychologists have equated the state of romantic love as akin to a kind of temporary madness. It can generate a surprising irrationality in those affected and often leads to rash decisions.

However, one may validly question the reliability of long-term decisions made based on these temporary feelings. We imagine that the feelings we feel are forever feelings. Indeed, they are often claimed, at the moment, to be as such (as is frequently expressed in popular song lyrics). Certainly, people often make lifetime promises and legal commitments based on these fleeting emotions. Is this a wise foundation for such decisions in the lives of Christians?

Criteria For A Mate

Most modern believers in the west hold to the popular idea, which assumes that the romantic feelings generated are at least part of a good foundation for marriage. Other common considerations involve specific criteria that make the possible mate a beneficial investment. These considerations vary dependent on their relative value to each person.

These considerations could include financial stability or economic potential, looks, sexual appeal, personal appeal, charm, wit, and social skills. They could also comprise character traits such as personal responsibility, trustworthiness, integrity, flexibility, or self-discipline. Other considerations include leadership qualities, intelligence, playfulness, general disposition, attitudes, humor, and depth. The list is nearly endless.

Although it is not commonly thought of in this way, we could look at this latter view as a commodity market model. This model gives each person a value rating that is somewhat subjective but usually based on how they think they, themselves, will benefit from the union. This commodity model is rarely questioned but is generally nearly always in play in the search for a mate.

Trouble in Paradise

As I said, our popular understanding of marriage is as an institution created to be a primary source of happiness and fulfillment for us in life. Even though this idea has some truth, as an overall understanding of God’s definition and purpose, it sorely misses the mark. It can be misleading, especially for believers. Moreover, standing on its own, the popular understanding is a faulty foundation for success in marriage.

In reality, the popular models often can lead to much disappointment when expectations are not met in marriage. These disappointments often result in an unhappy marriage and can set a couple up for a very conflicted divorce, even for believers. Indeed, we all know that the statistics are not good.

A Different View

This article, however, is not written because the picture is bleak but because it is amazingly bright. This is the case even for those who may find themselves in a failing, loveless and miserable marriage – even though this may seem counter-intuitive.

Adequately phrased, God has presented to us the promise of the potential to find fulfillment and contentment within marriage. (I should note, however, that He also has provided for us to find contentment without it.) More than this, He has offered us a pathway to overcoming the impasse of a failing marriage. This would include the highly dysfunctional, conflicted, chaotic, seemingly hopeless marriage. Furthermore, I am proposing that this can be accomplished unilaterally, even without the partner’s participation. Let’s dig in and unpack some essential understandings that can lead to significant changes.

The Marriage Contract

The traditional view of Christian marriage for centuries has been as a unilateral commitment before Almighty God to love one’s partner regardless of the cost. We all know the history of man and how frequently this commitment has been forsaken. Nevertheless, it has remained the underlying principle and is historically reflected in the marriage vows. For example, these vows often include phrases such as “for better or worse,” “in sickness and in health,” “for richer or poorer,” “forsaking all others,” and so on.

In practice, however, it becomes evident that many are investing great expectations into their partner; we can all understand this to some extent. The hard reality, however, is that for most, within the marriage commitment, the individuals have undertaken an (often unconscious) conditional contract filled with inferred expectations of terms that define that contract. A contract is different from a vow or a unilateral covenant. A contract is always dependent on the compliance of both parties, or the contract becomes null and void. 

This is not the case of a vow or any unilateral covenant. We see a beautiful picture of a unilateral covenant in God’s promise to Abraham. He even carried out the ritual splitting of the animal and passing through – but only God did so. The critical point here is that our marriage vows are not first and foremost to our partner but to God. We all know this intuitively, but we also suppress this truth in the light of our unrighteous wants, which obscure the reality.

Marriage and Expectations

Thus, in practice, the implications for us all is that we enter marriage with expectations or requirements – some spoken, some not. Once the initial passions subside and routine sets in, idealized expectations begin to be disappointed. This disappointment can lead to criticism, anger, and resentment. With the primary focus of expectations on the other’s performance, it is not surprising that problems will arise. We feel angry, cheated, and wronged when these expectations are disappointed. Expressing these feelings often results in defensiveness, anger, hurt, and withdrawal from the partner.

In this scenario, each person becomes frustrated, waiting and hoping for their partner to correct the problem behavior. The hope is that they can somehow get their partner to meet their needs for love or respect. They believe once their own needs are met, they will be able to let go of resentments and regain the inner resources to love again. This is very faulty thinking. Most couples in a failing marriage see the problem as residing in their partner. Usually, they are holding onto resentments from the disappointed expectations,

The age-old dilemma of each partner waiting, hoping, manipulating, and pressuring one another to fulfill the promises presented in their marital vows ensues. We can see the systemic problem with this formula; each person is waiting for the other to rescue the marriage. This approach is not viable; it often becomes an endless impasse.

Escalation

Attempts to talk through these things can often devolve into escalating arguments that break down trust, respect, and closeness. Too much of this kind of interaction will eat away at the warm feeling that made the relationship initially so rewarding. In some cases, frustration and anger can lead to verbal or even physical attacks on the partner, and an escalating level of conflict may emerge. The individuals often begin to feel desperate, lonely, and bitter. 

As bitterness builds internally, fighting, contempt, and relational withdrawal escalate, and things can become more toxic. They wish for an escape but often feel trapped by the implications of the shame of failure associated with divorce, not to mention the emotional and financial costs and the trauma upon the children. Additionally, the marriage experience is not only miserable for themselves; it harms the children’s sense of wellbeing. What is to be done to resolve such a dilemma?

Help!

Often when the Christian marriage fails, we turn to others for advice, read books or even read the Bible and pray. We hope we can apply God’s answers to our dilemma. We hear that we are to love our partner. We also hear that we are to forgive and to try to behave in a sacrificial Christian manner. Some better Christian counseling will focus on helping the couple let go of resentment and forgive. However, even this is often insufficient for genuinely changing the relationship. We try these things for a while, but over time we find the resentments keep returning. 

It is easy in this scenario to feel instead victimized by the other. Often couples at this stage seek counseling. Paradoxically, it is usually the partner who most denies responsibility for the problems, which is least likely to benefit from counseling. What a dilemma!

After one or more tries at counseling, one can quickly begin to search for a justification for ending the relationship. Although the scriptures are quite constraining regarding grounds for divorce, individuals can often seek family or professional advice to support ending the marriage. Ending a marriage nearly always is deeply harmful to all involved. There are so many hidden costs.

We must ask ourselves, is this God’s best solution? Is there a better alternative?

Common Advisors

Unfortunately, it is heartbreakingly true that many who lead, teach and educate in the Evangelical Church today are, themselves, often lacking in understanding about the real keys to success in marriage. Sometimes, even their own marriages are marginal or even deeply troubled. There have been written a few (very few!) books that get the fundamental principle right, that marriage is not about gratifying wants but about sanctification. I applaud these books, such as Tim Keller’s “The meaning of marriage.” I do not think they go far enough in communicating how these changes are realistically possible for many believers.

We are offered ineffective solutions to marital problems, so our attempts to correct the issues fail. Moreover, many who advise these ineffective strategies are unaware that they provide inadequate answers; or that there is a much better alternative. I am not faulting them personally. Their beliefs are the fruit of an education and training system that has somehow lost its way. I am convinced that most Christian leaders genuinely want to find and offer solutions that deliver on Christ’s promises. 

I should also mention an important perspective on marriage that is genuinely Biblical but rarely understood or expressed. We all assume that simply because a Christian marriage “works,” is non-conflicted, or even a cooperative or a “happy” one, it is a marriage lived according to Christ. Many secular marriages also work, and we know o,f course, that that success is not because of Jesus. 

Many marriages work because the couple happens to have a natural dynamic that is mutually rewarding for both individuals. These marriages often are admired (and envied) by others. When success occurs in a Christian framework (especially with pastors and church leaders), it is assumed to reflect the righteousness of the couple. This assumption leads to great perplexity and disappointment when infidelity or divorce occurs, particularly in divorces of pastors and church leaders.

Solutions that Don’t Work

Over the years, the Church and the Christian counseling community have established standardized solutions for difficult marital situations. Teachers and counselors commonly offer these solutions and are also found in Christian books and seminars on marriage. The advice provided can be generally grouped into one of two categories. 

One is to encourage people to be the best Christians they can be by following Biblical rules for godly behavior. The second approach comes from popular secular psychology and marriage and family counseling. There are a variety of different recommendations that emerge from each of these approaches. As you will see, I believe the solutions offered are usually grounded in a naturalistic or reason-based solution to the problems. To some, this may sound fine, even preferred. I will be discussing why I am confident that it is not.

It will be my argument that the common recommendations offered, though very reasonable and rational sounding, are doomed to failure at one level or another. Even though these popular solutions may be taken from scripture or widely accepted “science.” I will try to elucidate the problems I see with these approaches and offer what I believe is God’s alternative.

The Common “Biblical” Paradigm

Popular Christian Interventions

When Christians struggle in their marriages, they may look to books, friends, or church leaders. Some advise specifically “Christian” solutions. These recommendations might include reading the bible, participating in Bible study, praying individually or with others about the situation, or otherwise getting support from other believers. The advice might also include trying to improve one’s performance as a partner. 

Christian marriage classes, seminars, or retreats may be attended in the hope of improvement. This might include listening to the partner’s complaints and doing one’s best to understand and accommodate the partner. Unfortunately, these classes can often lead to more frustration and disappointment. It is not unusual for each partner to focus on hoping the partner will somehow change. Even when meaningful changes are made, they are often not sustainable and thus are short-lived. 

They might also try to get the offending spouse into counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor. Sometimes, pastors, Biblical-based counselors, and friends might encourage someone married to a difficult partner to try adaptive strategies. This might include things like making the most of a bad situation or learning to accept the person as they are despite their destructive behaviors. Taking 

such approaches, unfortunately, frequently result in an enabling relationship pattern. This would be a dynamic in which the nicer or more compliant one is, the more the partner comes to expect of them. The partner takes the ” improved ” self for granted, and this arrangement becomes their new minimal expectation, a new normal, it you will.  I used quotes around the word improved because I do not consider this behavior authentic improvement. It is just manipulation of self and other. Inside the enabler, the sense of victimization grows, and for those already with low self-esteem, the imbalanced relationship reinforces their feelings of insignificance or low personal value. Alternatively, they might be offered strategies to influence their partner to change. It is not uncommon for this kind of intervention to fail.

In short, various seemingly scripturally-based practices are offered to improve the marriage. I recall a pastor at a friend’s wedding who, not uncommonly, read 1 Cor. 13 (the “love” chapter) during the ceremony. I was amazed that he went on to instruct the couple to practice toward one another the behaviors elucidated. This, he said, would result in a happy marriage. Everyone seemed to think that was good advice. It is a common approach. 

A Deep Misunderstanding of Scripture and False Doctrine

There is a popular system of false beliefs that underlies many Christian’s thinking and actions. These beliefs are understood as deriving from Biblical truths. This philosophy is taught explicitly and implicitly from the pulpit in liberal and Evangelical churches. This set of beliefs or underlying assumptions profoundly affects personal behavior, choices, and expectations – in simpler terms, how Christians live.

The false system of beliefs I am referring to is the idea that our natural human responses to God’s word are sufficient ground to qualify a person to inherit the kingdom of God. The belief assumes that my intellectual grasp of scriptural behavioral injunctions can adequately motivate me to behave in a manner pleasing to God. This is commonly described by those that believe this idea as “obeying” God and God’s word. I am not sure what percentage of Christian teaching is based on this presumption, but it is a large percentage. Often, this message is not openly acknowledged as doctrine, but it is still inferred to believers in many sermons. I believe it is probably the most common paradigm today in the liberal and probably also in the Evangelical Church as well. 

I am proposing that this false message of Christianity is the cause of many (perhaps even most) of the shortcomings found in the Church today. I would like to suggest that this is a false gospel and fits alternatively into the category of naturalism or legalism. I am pretty sure that most Christian leaders that are communicating these ideas find the idea that they, themselves, are legalistic as offensive and a misjudgment. Many believe a philosophy that the natural world, having been created by God, is good and, therefore, our natural responses to our world are valid and reliable. Consequently, they also believe our natural wants and needs are a good motivational system for successfully living the Christian life in a manner pleasing to God.

Naturalistic Philosophy and Legalism

It may seem to some, even among the most highly educated in Evangelical theological circles, that such a philosophy does not qualify for the concept of legalism. This may be partly because many of those that accept the naturalistic philosophy I presented understandably narrow the concept of legalism. The narrow view focuses more on the distinction between the attempt to keep all the Old Testament laws. The discussion of this issue is well beyond the scope of this article. Nevertheless, there is an assumption that their mere acceptance of the idea that salvation is by grace alone does not, in and of itself, prevent the legalistic practice of Christianity.

I can assure you that one can be a legalist and still clearly understand the concept of salvation by grace alone. How is this possible? Part of the answer comes from holding a false conceptual division between initial salvation and daily salvation (sanctification). I mean that most Evangelical teachers who operate out of naturalistic philosophy believe that initial salvation is by grace alone. Still, that daily sanctification requires effort and self-discipline. Sanctification, they argue, is a process that requires God’s grace mixed with man’s elbow grease. The idea is that, yes, we’re saved, but you have to get to work doing the things the scripture commands, and then God will help you. The saying, “God guides a moving vessel,” hints at this idea.

However, I would like to suggest that this is precisely what Paul is referring to when he says, “by the works of the law, shall no flesh be justified (i.e., before God). (Gal 2:16) The (false) expectation is that if I do what I am “supposed” to do (that is, externally, behaviorally) then God will bless me and enable me because He blesses righteous action. The subtle belief is that I am already “born again” and so to make things happen in my Christian life, I will need to get the ship (of self) moving so God can direct it in the way I need to go. I will make this definitive statement: Scripture emphatically does not support this belief. 

A belief that follows this paradigm is that once I have determined the will of God – by prayer, godly counsel, etc. – it is incumbent upon me to carry out these decisions diligently and thoroughly to honor God. Thus when things go well, we say, “Praise the Lord.” It may be advisable for the Evangelical Church to reconsider this view. Could it be possible that we may have a different definition of righteousness than God does? In the long run, we have been assured by Scripture that the quality of our work will be tested and tested with fire.

Do Motivations Matter?

What is overlooked in this paradigm is the problem of motivations. Can a person adequately search out their own motives? If not, how can they assess whether they are unconsciously or partly consciously ) doing the “good” behavior for selfish reasons? For example, how does one determine that they are not doing right to be seen by men, avoid punishment, for pride, to gain self-esteem, etc.? How about doing right so God will bless them? Couldn’t that be just another form of seeking my pleasure or happiness? Did not the Pharisees believe that they were doing God’s will?

Does it matter if our motives are mixed? What do we think God means by “holy?” In Romans 7, Paul states that the “willing to do good is in me, but the doing is not.” Is this the standard view in the Church? I think most believers would have written that verse more like, “I will to do good, and sometimes I do and sometimes I fall short. After all, we all sin, right? 

Some even (wrongly) argue that in those same verses where Paul says the good he “should do,” he does not do, is his admission that he frequently fails to obey God, that is, he falls into sin from time to time. This is a terrible misinterpretation of what Paul is saying. In truth, if you read the verse carefully, you will see that he is saying that he can never do God’s will using His own will’s power. He is saying he is powerless to do God’s will. It is only as the Spirit is “putting to death the deeds of the flesh” that God’s life operates within Him. (Rom 7:18-8:13) In other words, there is a conscious dying of self so that Christ’s life may be manifest in him. (2 Cor. 4:10-12)

Another reason for this confusion is a belief that the Christian life is essentially based on a rational assessment of truth and that obedience to God is a natural human response to God’s love. Please note that I am not suggesting that having such feelings toward God is a bad thing. I am questioning this as a source of motivation for God’s kind of righteousness. I will discuss this more here shortly.

Saved by Choice

Another aspect of this false belief comes from a belief in “choice.” The idea is that our choices make all the difference between obedience and disobedience. Despite what the reader may assume, I am not suggesting that choice has no part in salvation. I am merely offering that choice cannot save. It is Christ alone who saves. No man was ever saved, nor will ever be saved by their choice. If our faith is in our power to choose, we will not thereby be saved. Indeed we are in the darkness again. We are saved only by believing in what Christ has done for us. Our focus and confession are Christ alone.

It is important to note that some sometimes mix these ideas with the true gospel so that the boundaries can become blurred. In any case, there is leaven in the message, which is regularly communicated explicitly or implicitly in teaching and practice. This is more than tragic. It is causing many to stumble. Even worse, it deprives them of inheriting God’s kingdom and leaves them ill-equipped to fulfill the stewardships that come with marriage and family. It is leaving the Church weak, powerless, and hypocritical.

When these false beliefs are acted upon, they do not achieve the hoped-for result. This might be confusing since it may seem that this is simply advice based on scripture. When people are in real pain, they need solutions that work. I might point out that this was the standard approach used until the Christian counseling movement arose in the late 1970s. 

The Secular “Christian” Paradigm

The rise of the Secular Paradigm

I am confident that the Christian counseling movement came about precisely because these solutions were ineffective. Many believers and church leaders realized that the churches’ solutions were simply inadequate, especially for significantly troubled couples and families. When faced with real-life modern problems and within the social environment undermining the family, there was less social pressure to stay married. Divorce was on the rise, and the church was mirroring the culture. Many pastors – usually quite reluctantly – began turning to the rising population of Christian counselors.

In the ’70s and ’80s, there was a massive increase of Christian counselors getting licensed as Marriage and Family Therapists, Clinical psychologists, etc. These new therapists were trained in all the methodologies in which secular therapists were trained. The idea was that these methodologies would only be enhanced when applied in a Christian context. After all, we were the ones that believed in marriage and faithfulness and were also still asking for God’s help, right? Moreover, since so many Christians were seeking professional help, understandably, they preferred to work with a therapist that understood their faith. 

The Christian counselors learned to apply the whole spectrum of contemporary counseling and marital therapy techniques. I was among them, entering a master’s degree program in Marriage, Child and Family Therapy through Azusa Pacific University in 1982. 

We all learned the basics, like learning to be a good (or “active”) listener, trying to understand the other person, reducing confrontation, and learning conflict resolution skills. Beyond this, I continued to learn every different approach possible and was eager to watch the magic happen. Only it did not occur. I tried technique after technique, intervention to intervention, and found only disappointment. I was not seeing magic in my own practice and was receiving many patients from previously failed treatments.

Trouble in Paradise

Why were these marriages not turning around even with counseling? What was wrong? After all, we were still using the same generally Biblical approaches I listed above, and we were now augmenting these ideas with the best modern science. Certainly, there was no actual conflict between the scriptural injunctions to be a faithful partner, work hard at making the relationship work, and striving to fulfill one’s stewardship responsibilities. Even more, I saw no conflict scripturally between applying these new principles of active listening, communicating clearly and respectfully, managing anger, setting boundaries, etc. Yet the improvements were often marginal, especially in the marriages that were troubled with deeper pathology and emotional injury.

In response to my disappointment, I continued to seek God’s help. I was being encouraged by the Lord and His word that this was not the outcome that He wished for His people. Over time, slowly, almost imperceptibly, the gospel’s message began to change my understanding. I began to see that all these methodologies lacked the critical element that allowed a marriage to function as God intended. The unpleasant truth is that marriage counseling was not only not helping marriages, but it was also (inadvertently) undermining them. It undermined them in the same way it undermined healthy parenting, family relationships, and even proper psychological health. (Man and God have different concepts of psychological health and mainly differ on how to find it. )

A Faulty Foundation

The methodologies offered generally do not make for a happy marriage. The message that began to emerge more and more from psychology and family therapy was that self was pre-eminent. Phrases like “You can’t love others if you do not love yourself first ” became increasingly popular. One must take care of themselves first before they can help the other. At first glance, this appears to be supported by scripture – think, “love your neighbor as you love yourself, and the beam vs. speck in the eye, references. (I will simply note at this juncture that I believe these verses are being misinterpreted in this context).

Be that as it may, I am convinced that applying these secular ideas produced (bad) fruit in the believer’s thinking. For example, If you had a family member or partner that behaved in a way you did not like, you can just set a boundary. If they didn’t self-correct, you ultimately must simply cut them off. Sounds reasonable, right? Why should one have to tolerate another’s inappropriate behavior? Wouldn’t that just be enabling them? As an aside, this kind of thinking is part of the origin of the now standard message where someone is being accused (and “canceled”) if their behavior was said to be “triggering.”

Cultural Drift

All this begs the question of why modern psychology is deferring to this approach. The somewhat disturbing answer, in my opinion, is that they do not, themselves, have any real adequate solutions to man’s more profound existential dilemmas. I am not suggesting here that secular counseling never helps. It is just woefully inadequate to fundamentally transform an individual at a core level. (Please note that this paper’s context does not allow me to expand much on this idea but will be covered in other blog posts.)

As Christians, we shouldn’t be surprised by this. Man, in his arrogance, assumes he can solve his problems with reason. This is especially problematic when he tries to solve the problem of evil. This has been an unsolved dilemma that has persisted throughout history, regardless of philosophical approaches to correcting it – man’s inhumanity to man.

In any case, unfortunately, most Christian counselors offer (various) solutions that are based on a secular paradigm. The obvious implications are that those using these methods should expect a similar success rate as the secular therapist. This is very problematic for believers. We’re not supposed to believe in divorce, right? We are supposed to love our enemies, not cancel them. As I already implied, this trend is more toward an atomizing of individuals within our culture – even within our Christian culture. These ideas ultimately create more and more division and broken connections. Consequently, they can lead people to become more isolated and l less involved in real relationships. The internet only exacerbates this inclination. 

Digging a Little Deeper

This is not to suggest that Christian counselors intend to undermine relationships, nor for that matter are most secular therapists. By and large, they are hoping to help. It is just that the approach is built on a faulty foundation and, among the secular therapists, a completely different worldview or philosophical paradigm from the believer. 

To illustrate, let’s take the case of a common Christian counseling intervention of negotiation of needs. In this scenario, the therapist is trying to help the couple to hear and understand each other’s wants to negotiate a mutually satisfying solution. The basic construct supporting this approach is that each partner comes in with wants, and the goal is to get them to trade or bargain for what they want. Furthermore, that bargaining chip can quickly morph into a basis to manipulate and control the other. This is a terrible foundation for change in a Christian marriage., Even if it works for both, it lacks the one thing definitive of real Christian marriage success: unselfish love. The spoken or unspoken terms are that they will agree to give the other what they need to get what they want for themselves.

Fundamentally Flawed

Operationally, this model fails for believers because God simply will not participate in this kind of solution. His love is never offered on a tit-for-tat basis. The love that comes from God is naturally pure and unconditional. It does not seek its own interests but instead seeks the welfare of the other. If we enter such a bargained agreement, we are, de facto, excluding ourselves from God’s help. We are, one might say, on our own.

Does this mean we are to set ourselves up as victims? Are we supposed to simply accept injustice from our partner? Is that not codependency? What about their neglect of our needs? Shall we enable their wrong behavior? 

Paul refers to man-inspired, rational solutions as those which are “according to the elementary principles of the universe and not according to Christ. We think we are so advanced and modern today. Our solutions are now based on science. In their ignorance, people did not understand these things in the first century. 

In other words, even though unspoken as such, the unacknowledged beliefs are that God does not have the power to set people free without modern psychology’s (2000-year belated) help. Well, I certainly do not believe that this is true. What’s more, I do not see secular counseling approaches genuinely changing lives profoundly. This is because the real root of man’s problem is not how he was treated growing up or as an adult. 

God’s Real Answer

Gods Requirements are Not Burdensome

So, what then is God’s real answer? 

God’s solution is much more profound than mere behavior improvement for Christians. First, we begin with Jesus’ invitation to seek and keep seeking God’s purposes in our lives. Is it possible that He has a purpose for us to find ourselves in this seemingly terrible dilemma? We are told in no uncertain terms that if we seek (i.e., God’s way through), we will most certainly “find.” This is true and available to everyone.

With every couple that has come to my office over the years (and, I might add, with my marriage as well), I have learned that no marriage is irreparable. This is so regardless even of the particular personal issues of their partners. Childhoods aside, all God needs is a willing heart and the Holy Spirit. That may sound naive, but it is not really.

Are We in Denial of Reality Here?

One might respond to this, oh boy, here we go again with another narrow-minded, anti-science religious fanatic. I will admit that are many that are just that. I once used my faith to deny reality. I sought to impose a rigid belief system upon myself to set the reality I desperately wanted upon my internal and external world. I learned the hard way that such solutions are probably the worst possible choices in terms of outcomes. We are all familiar with the hyper-spiritual and judgmental individual practicing such things and the terrible fruit such a life produces. 

On the contrary, I am suggesting that the real solution is filled with authentic grace, kindness, understanding, and patient love, all of which come from God. We are not talking about living in a world of denial of (internal) reality, but a life lived “in the light. ” The authentic self rather than being hidden is constantly being exposed in the light of Christ. With Christ’s revealing of the hidden wants of the self comes an actual cleaning from those wants and their power over the soul. 

Marriage as a Means to Real Sanctification

I have come to believe that all marriages have the same potential for becoming amazing and glorious and the dwelling place of Christ. This may sound ridiculous until you stop and think more deeply about it. If Jesus actually has purchased the right to set sinners free, then why are we surprised? 

In my counseling experience, it has always seemed that my clients all see their marriage as a problem of fundamental incompatibility. They are deeply troubled by their partner’s inability to stop doing the things that “trigger” their deepest and most painful wounds. It just seems that He puts two people together because they push the deepest, most core triggers that lie within. This is actually good news for the Christian. This is because it makes for the swiftest path to sanctification, the glorious road to liberation. Those things which deeply rule our soul are allowed to be exposed by the partner’s triggering, thus making the wound available to the cleansing light of Christ.

Please be clear that one does not need to be married or have a miserable marriage to find complete freedom “from all things.” It is just that these wounds are not an obstacle but an opportunity.

A Different Paradigm

What is God’s plan for us to find? First and foremost, it is to discover His capacity to do what He promised. To enable us to be free of self so that we can love with the same love with which He loved and loves. It is a love that overcomes – it is love from God – Christ in us.

Contrary to our natural mind’s assessment of our situation, God, in His brilliance, provides a magnificent solution: sanctification. How does sanctification offer us a way of escape from the impasse? Imagine, I ask, if suddenly you disappeared and Jesus took residence in your body in your place. Would things be different at home? Well, of course, you might say, but He is God. Fair enough.

Perhaps you might want to reference a few scriptural verses that could apply. How about,

“I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” Or,

“That is, the mystery which had been hidden from the past ages and generations, but now has been revealed to His saints, to whom God willed to make known what the wealth of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles is, the mystery that is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim Him, admonishing every person and teaching every person with all wisdom, so that we may present every person complete in Christ. For this purpose, I also labor, striving according to His power which works mightily within me.”

(Gal. 2:20), (Col 1:26-29)

So then, there is an entirely different paradigm for Christians who have learned to abide in Christ. There comes a realization that this apparent impasse is nothing less than a gateway, paradoxically, to liberation. Surprisingly, it is, in fact, a brilliantly orchestrated arrangement that enables our daily freedom from self and transformation into His likeness. This is because of God’s great love for us.

The Possible from the Impossible

God’s plan, in short then, is for us to die to ourselves and come alive to God. If that seems like too great a task, be comforted. It is most certainly an impossible task for any man… except Christ! This, then, is how God wants to bless you! With a daily coming alive with His life, His great love and power like you have never imagined. It is becoming like Him, not by your capacity, but by His.

Is He inadequate for this task? Will He fail to make you able? Once you truly understand His incomprehensibly gracious terms – His “easy yoke” – it will become your new normal. This is the life lived by the Apostles, and it is the guaranteed inheritance of the kingdom for every believer in this life who believes. It is through Christ’s death, bringing life in you, that makes this magnificent salvation yours for the asking.

The primary purpose of my blog is to provide the Church with the tools of how this glorious outcome can be wrought in your own life. 

A Practical Approach

There is an unpopular reality about us. The unpopular truth about us all is that we are stubbornly self-willed. The world denies it (at least, about themselves), but the scripture is clear. Our problems do not originate in our partner, the behavior of any other human being, or even in our circumstances and sufferings. Jesus shakes the false narrative of history and man with one statement. He says, “It is not what goes into a man that defiles him but what comes out of the man.” In making this extraordinary claim, He eliminates the excuse of every person before God. It lays us bare, naked before Him. He explains that what is in our hearts is our (only) real problem. 

To be sure, man cannot overcome his sinful nature on his own, yet Jesus, in His amazing grace, offers everyone an escape. Once we realize that this obstacle can be successfully neutralized through Christ, the door swings wide open for our liberation.

The Road to Liberation

The question may arise here, “but from what are we liberated?” It is from the kingdom of self that we are being made able to overcome. The door that is opened is the capacity to live as Jesus lived. Because of His righteousness, He could do what no man could – lay down His life for His enemies. Therefore, we can live in that same righteousness by believing in Him (and the sacrifice offered). Christ’s life literally becomes our life, and thus His character, love, and power are also manifest in us.

Sounds simple, right? Well, it is, and it isn’t. In reality, the truth is that we are all like the rich young ruler for whom entering the kingdom of heaven is an impossibility. Most of us hardly have a clear concept of the cost of discipleship. Or we ignore it. Why? Because none of us can realistically deal with such an impossible reality. 

Most of us don’t get that there is a place God prepares for us so that it becomes our joy to lay down our lives. Instead, many of us become discouraged. We pray, and we seek counsel. The mountain is too high and too difficult to climb. As a result of our unbelief, we just settle for a life of compromise. We must ask ourselves why God said all these amazing things to us unless He meant for us to enter the promises. When the scripture says that all the promises of God are yes in Him, is it referring to the kingdom of God in heaven or also His kingdom here on earth?

An Amazing Alternative

God’s answers, put simply, simply work. We have granted to us in Christ the power not only to make our marriages work but for our lives to work across the board. A marriage defined by God’s love would be the world’s envy. It is not a reality that they know, even in successful, mutually satisfying marriages. More than this, our children will grow up in a family environment where they do not merely hear about Jesus but touch Him, and His love touches them daily. They see Christ in action. The world has no equal to that. 

Moreover, as we learn to abide in these things, the person of the Holy Spirit will penetrate the hearts of our partners because it will be the real Jesus they are encountering. Even though there is no guarantee of the response anyone will have to the real Jesus, we can be confident that that is who they are encountering in us. This is so only if we learn to abide in the death of Christ so that we may live, moment by moment, alive to Him. Make no mistake about it; this kind of Christianity cannot be faked. He constantly searches the secrets of each man’s heart and conscience to bring all things hidden to the light. It can never be manufactured from the self or man’s will. It is only possible by genuinely becoming a partaker of the very life of Christ. 

Salvation for All Who Come

Is this kind of life possible? What great sacrifice would one have to make to be worthy to inherit such a life from God? God isn’t going to give stuff like this away to people without a price, right? Who can pay a comparable price to qualify for such an inheritance? Well, as believers, do we not believe He will just hand these things over to us when we get to heaven? Is it possible He would be glad to start that inheritance now? When Peter says that “He has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness through the true knowledge of Him,” what is He referring to? Is this an isolated verse? Not at all! These kinds of verses are everywhere in scripture. We read right over them as if to say, wow, wouldn’t it be nice if that were somehow true and accessible to me now! Would it shock you to hear that Jesus’ death on the cross guaranteed this inheritance to everyone who will persist in believing His testimonies and the testimony of Scripture?

Marriage is Ministry

This, then, is the magnificent answer to the dilemma posed in nearly every Christian marriage. It is in the death of self and the life of Christ that an individual can unilaterally transform a relationship and a family. It is the power of a truly righteous life to love with His perfect love, to lay down their life for the other. This is the paradigm of marriage as a ministry. It is never motivated by the interest to extract one’s wants from the other. It is the authority of Christ to convict the heart of the other without even a word. There is no need or interest in manipulating, cajoling, guilting, or shaming the other to perform. The voice of the Good Shepherd calls us all by name. The voice is kind and filled with love and mercy. It does not falter; it never grows weary. It always overcomes.

God’s solution offers liberation not from the circumstances of being married to this particular person but liberation from being married to someone who causes us far more grief than they – ourselves! It is time for us to begin to work toward getting that divorce from the person  – the old self – that has been robbing us of joy, of fellowship with Christ, the life He paid so dearly to provide for us in love.

A Far Far Better Way

Our problem, then, is the self-interest that rules the believer’s soul. God wants us to realize the magnificence of joy that comes from living with a conscience made clean, and a soul set free from the tyranny of self – a conscience constantly washed in Christ’s blood, liberating the soul to His joy and peace. The liberation from the kingdom of self is the only true liberation of the soul – all other such claims are patently false. This freedom into the love of God emerges as one learns to continually apply the message of Christ crucified daily to their lives, holding fast to the good confession – Christ’s sacrifice for us.

This is also the key to transforming marriage from a relationship tolerated to a gift that results in a thankful heart. Such thankfulness for our circumstances does not necessarily come from a change in the outer circumstances but a difference in the condition of our hearts. This kind of liberation is always and only comes independent of any change in one’s partner! It is the end of the manipulation of self and the end of the attempt to manipulate the other. 

However, this does not suggest that the actual ministry of marriage will fail to have a godly effect upon one’s partner. For a surety, in most cases, it certainly does eventually accomplish its loving goal of bringing about the liberation of the other as well. One never inherits such an outgrowth of fruit unless the self has been well-settled in the depths of the earth, so to speak. This is the mystery and paradox of Christianity that most have a glimpse of from biblical phrases such as, “He who seeks to save his life shall lose it, but the one who loses their life, for My sake, shall find it.” This glimpse, however, is not often turned into a living reality; as Jesus warns us, “The road to life is narrow, and few there be that find it.”

Summary Statement and Closing Comments

For the believer, the building of a successful marriage must be done God’s way or by definition, it is built on a faulty foundation. The lack of a proper foundation will always be undermining access to the unfathomably rich resources available to us in Christ.

If you are asking, “What should I do?”  We can begin to accept responsibilty for our own failure to love our partner. Instead, begin to expose to God, our anger, judgements and bitterness toward the other. We must recognize and admit to Him that it is our own selfish wants that are behind those destructive feelings. Most importantly, our recognition of the operation of the cross, is the key element that will bring change and success. The full realization and actualization of what was established for us at the cross is the sweetest prize that ever passed into man’s hands. This all comes about as we understand how to rest in Him, repent of believing in self, and transfer all hope to the grace in Christ Jesus’ atonement. Please see these other articles Cross-Based Living – A Better Way and Christianity – A Renewed Understanding for more information on this topic of the cross.

These blog posts aim to point the way to this kind of extraordinary life in Christ for all who wish to find it. These posts will equip you to gain full access to overflow with His glorious gift. He certainly will not deny anyone who seeks it. 

I hope this introductory article was helpful in later blog posts. I will be discussing and expanding on many of the subjects touched upon here, including the process of actualizing these things in our lives.